Well, this is a difficult question to answer. Being as complex as we are, makes it difficult to give a true definition of ourselves. When asked this question, I feel most would use descriptions such as likes and dislikes, hobbies, relationship status, and career. But honestly, that list could go on forever too. 

I have found that having a better understanding of my personality gives me a clearer picture of who I am, how I might react, and my strengths and weaknesses. It explains what motivates me and has even given me health advice- both mental, spiritual and physically. 

My zodiac sign was what I first looked into, but honestly opened other doors for me to explore, all regarding myself. I kept my mind open and literally googled and youtubed everything! It’s how I found out about my depression, and how I was more ‘sensitive’ than the people around me. Keep what you believe, disregard what doesn’t feel right and ALWAYS be willing to challenge what you believe in. 

It’s a process. 

So… along with my Zodiac sign, here are a few other ways that help paint the picture of what kind of person I am. Particularly, the Myers Briggs Personality test has been the most eye-opening for me. It’s free to take and doesn’t take long. Once I received my personality type, I googled and started youtubing it for more specific information. 

Cancer- Yes, I’m a cancer…Emotional, caring, loyal, empathetic, highly imaginative and creative with a rich inner world.  I should also mention the intense moodiness paired with egotistical and emotional responses. My bad. 

INFP (Mediator) Personality Type- Derived from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. 16personalities.com describes the INFP type as, “someone who possesses the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Prospecting personality traits. These rare personality types tend to be quiet, open-minded, and imaginative, and they apply a caring and creative approach to everything they do.” 

Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)- Also called Sensory Processing Sensitivity, Wikipedia describes this trait as, “a temperamental or personality trait involving “an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli”.

Empath- An Empath is someone who uses empathy more than the average person. This use allows me to understand others on a deeper emotional level. I believe myself to be an Empath due to my High Sensitivity, however, it’s not like this for everyone. 

Understanding these have been key to my ego undoing (which I am still very much working on). I didn’t start my journey of self discovery until I found myself in the thick of a 4 year depression induced by stress, anxiety and feelings of being hopeless and lost. I’ll talk about what landed me into depression in a later post.

Being diagnosed back in 2018 helped me realize that there were reasons for my behaviors. Before this realization, I figured that I was destined to be miserable, completely identified with my feelings of insecurity, self-sabotage, loneliness, and fear.

I did have a brief time of acceptance with my diagnosis, which led me to researching depression and anxiety for myself. What happened next, unfortunately, was my mind becoming completely identified with my diagnosis. I felt as if depression and anxiety WAS what ‘defined’ me. I know this, because I had started journaling my thoughts and it wasn’t until I looked back on my writings, about a year later, that I could see this. 

Around this time, I also slowly started researching topics of spirituality, philosophy and psychology- searching desperately for answers myself. I started to discover that the mind has remarkable capabilities, most of which are still unknown to us. In my gut, I felt, and still feel, that I could cure myself if I change my thought patterns. I felt that meds just masked the pain, but if I could travel deep into my own mind, I could figure out WHY I was depressed and anxious. It was, and is, my personal mission. 

Things never got easy after this realization though, they actually got worse. But the words of Nietzsche constantly rang in my mind, “You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” This gave me hope. It also turned me into a bit of a pyromaniac when it came to dismantling myself.

I think my biggest realization so far is that I have been completely controlled by my ego. It has made me believe that I am a person who I am not. It has controlled my actions and emotions through fear and insecurities. It has turned a bright-eyed boy into a jerk, a dick and a douchebag and a depressing asshole. It has cut off friendships and relationships, and has taken many of my passions away. But most of all, it has made me tired of life.

Growing up, boys are told to be tough, to man-up, grow some balls, and don’t be a sissy. This suppression of feeling and emotion is what I believe has opened the door for my ego to step in and take complete control. I have learned a lot over the past couple years, eye-opening realizations concerning myself, others and life in general. I am nowhere near where I would like to be spiritually or psychologically, but I am pushing forward, seeking truth and understanding for myself, and for others.

The purpose of this blog is to show you my process of facing ego, dismantling it, and overcoming my douchebaggery. It makes me accountable for my journey of higher consciousness and spirituality. And lastly, it’s a roadmap for me and you. So I can always see where I came from, and to inspire YOU, to start the journey for yourself, or to keep going.  

Raising your consciousness is no easy task- you have to have balls to face the darkest parts of yourself, and it takes even bigger balls to attempt to change those toxic life patterns. But if we choose to remain open to learning, growing and loving, we can change our lives and ultimately the world.

My name is Ry Ryteous Dominietzsche Repasky, and this is my soul.