To put it quite simply, I am attempting to confront my fears of vulnerability by exposing my ‘douchiness.’ 

Let me unload this statement by sharing a bit about my history… 

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and I believe to have been this way since birth. Life was relatively ‘normal’ for me until the age of 5 when my sister was born. Her birth was nothing short of a miracle, being 6 months premature. I knew she needed extra attention, but back then, I don’t think I was that aware of how dire the situation actually was. My mom almost died in childbirth, and we almost lost my sister as well. They both spent MONTHS in the hospital, my mom leaving before my sister could. 

For me, this meant lots of stays with my grandparents and other family members, and I realize now how traumatic this could have been on me, or any other child in the situation. Feelings of being lost in the frantic shuffle extended stays with family members, and be shuffled from place to place, never sure of when I was going to see my mom, and if my sister was going to get to come home or not. This type of disturbance, combined with lack of information can be very disruptive for an HSP individual, much less one who is still a child and developing. 

Once my sister came home, her difficulties didn’t stop. She was hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 and we had a stay-at-home nurse for her first couple years of life. All attention was on my sister, but I never remember feeling jealous though. I would brush those feelings aside because I understood that she NEEDED the extra attention. I learned to withdraw inward, not wanting to cause any problems or added expenses. 

I was always well behaved, and entertained myself most days. My mom still jokes about how I would always be the first to wake, get myself some breakfast and turn on my cartoons every morning. I had a morning routine for myself like a little old man. 

Once life settled down and my family was back together, money quickly became a source of anxiety for me, probably due to over-hearing my parents discussing medical bills. I still remember my dad saying that my sister was ‘a million dollar baby.’ I couldn’t even fathom how much one million dollars was, so from then on, I tried my best not to have my parents spend any extra money. When aunts and friend’s parents would take us through the drive thru, they would ask me what I wanted to eat, and most of the time it was “I’m not hungry, but thank you.” I couldn’t stand the feeling of someone spending their money on me. I always felt bad. 

Life kept going, and I feel like I was a pretty normal kid, except for always being lost in my imagination and exercising my use of creativity. My relationship with my Mom was ok, but I never did look too fondly on my father. We didn’t have a relationship- many reasons Im sure I will get into later through this blog. Being raised in a religious home, my parents made themselves authority figures in the house making it difficult to have conversations with them. I knew I was loved, but neither of my parents were very emotionally present… something I desperately needed as an HSP. 

Once puberty started to hit, was when I realized that I was definitely different from the other boys at my Christian School. I was gay, hadn’t come to terms with it, and wouldn’t come out until I was 27. I attended the same christian school from kindergarten through 12th grade. I had church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wed night, and Thursday morning chapel. My whole life I had been taught that homosexuality was one of the worst sins, that it was an abomination to god and that I would go to hell for it. It taught me to hate myself. 

With all of this going on in my head, I withdrew further from my family. I felt that I couldn’t talk to my parents about it for fear that they would kick me out of the house and shun me. I saw no other choice but to internalize all of these feelings and questions I had. 

This was something I taught myself at an early age, to always withdraw inward. It is how I coped with the stress and confusion regarding my sister’s birth, how I handled puberty, sex and being gay. I have always been afraid of being vulnerable because vulnerability meant allowing someone to see me exposed.  

I said all of this, to try and help you understand WHY I have an issue with vulnerability and that It has been something that has been manifesting itself my entire life. I am still struggling with a lot of these same issues, but understanding myself has helped me cope and even grow from my past. 

This consistent lack of vulnerability has shaped my outlook on life. I have lived in my fear of uncertainty and low self worth. I daily self sabotage myself, making me depressed and angry at life. Slowly, my whole life, I have turned into the douchebag that I hated growing up. Shrouded in toxic masculinity- constantly trying to prove to everyone that I’m worthy. I’m not here to put myself on a pedestal, but rather step down from it. To let go of my hurt and bitterness of my past. 

We all have one. We all have hurt, trauma, bitterness and questions left unanswered. Confessions of a Suburban Douchebag, for me, is the release of these negative things. It’s a chance for me to take action on this new path of self discovery by journaling publicly the thoughts that go through my mind, the questions I ask myself, and the things I’m learning. To grow, we must face our fears, and mine is being vulnerable. So first, let me confess. Then watch me grow. 

Xoxo Ry Ryteous Dominietzsche Repasky