I entered my first serious relationship 6 years ago, and it has been one of the most life changing events in my life. It has forced me to look at myself in a different light, and a different perspective- often against my will. 

You see, I really thought I knew what love was about without ever having experienced it. I thought I had learned ‘how to love’ from music, movies and society. But what I didn’t take into consideration is that love and a relationship are two completely different individuals coming together with their own ideas of love and life. Pop culture and the media got it wrong, hell, even the church I grew up in got love wrong. 

Being the controlling asshole I am, I tried for years to make my partner and I’s love fit into a preconceived mold- a mold created and maintained by me. I fear being left alone so much that I would, and still do, cling and control my relationship. Ironically though, the tighter my grip became, the worse my relationship became. 

 As the relationship started to crumble apart in the summer of 2021, I was desperate for internal peace, and to know what love actually is. I realized that the love I was giving wasn’t actually love- and I wanted to fix this about myself. I picked up a book called, “The Path to Love,” by Deepak Chopra and finished the book rather quickly. This book was revolutionary for me, and is a book that I will read over multiple times. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this book was that love IS letting go- something that doesn’t come easily for me since I have a bad habit of harbouring feelings and emotions. 

As I was reading the book I recalled a time when I was lighting some incense. As I pulled the flame up the tip of the incense stick, I noticed that my hand holding the incense was shaking rather violently- so much so that I couldn’t get it to light. After a few seconds I realized that I was pinching the incense stick with my two fingers so tightly, as to not drop the stick, that it was causing it to shake like a motherf*cker! I thought to myself, “Why the hell am I gripping this so hard!?” So I relaxed and loosened my grip, and suddenly the shaking stopped. I knew and understood the concept of ‘letting go’ but this instance helped me realize HOW to let go. A simple act of relaxation and surrender. 

Love is allowing someone to be themselves with no judgement or restrictions. It is to accept the other person exactly as they are, despite their less-than-desirable qualities. It is understanding that we all have things we would like to fix about ourselves and that we all have preconceived ideas about what a relationship should be. And most importantly, love is accepting truths about yourself that may be hard to hear. 

I am now attempting to take what I have learned and apply it to my relationship. Letting go has given me a type of release and relaxation that is guilt and judgement free. All it takes is a deep breath and mentally changing my outlook. Letting go for me means releasing my need to control and manipulate a situation and to accept it for what it is, which also helps me to stay present and in the now. It is helping me to love better, and be more secure in myself. 

I have a lot of learning to do, and I am blessed to be with someone who pursues growth and understanding with a similar fervor as I do. Neither of us know what we are doing, but we are open to learning and discovering. And without my relationship with him, I may have never understood this about myself.