Why ‘Confessions of a Suburban Douchebag?’

To put it quite simply, I am attempting to confront my fears of vulnerability by exposing my ‘douchiness.’

Let me unload this statement by sharing a bit about my history…

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and I believe to have been this way since birth. Life was relatively ‘normal’ for me until the age of 5 when my sister was born. Her birth was nothing short of a miracle, being 6 months premature. I knew she needed extra attention, but back then, I don’t think I was that aware of how dire the situation actually was. My mom almost died in childbirth, and we almost lost my sister as well. They both spent MONTHS in the hospital, my mom leaving before my sister could.

For me, this meant lots of stays with my grandparents and other family members, and I realize now how traumatic this could have been on me, or any other child in the situation. Feelings of being lost in the frantic shuffle extended stays with family members, and be shuffled from place to place, never sure of when I was going to see my mom, and if my sister was going to get to come home or not. This type of disturbance, combined with lack of information can be very disruptive for an HSP individual, much less one who is still a child and developing.

Once my sister came home, her difficulties didn’t stop. She was hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 and we had a stay-at-home nurse for her first couple years of life. All attention was on my sister, but I never remember feeling jealous though. I would brush those feelings aside because I understood that she NEEDED the extra attention. I learned to withdraw inward, not wanting to cause any problems or added expenses.

I was always well behaved, and entertained myself most days. My mom still jokes about how I would always be the first to wake, get myself some breakfast and turn on my cartoons every morning. I had a morning routine for myself like a little old man.

Once life settled down and my family was back together, money quickly became a source of anxiety for me, probably due to over-hearing my parents discussing medical bills. I still remember my dad saying that my sister was ‘a million dollar baby.’ I couldn’t even fathom how much one million dollars was, so from then on, I tried my best not to have my parents spend any extra money. When aunts and friend’s parents would take us through the drive thru, they would ask me what I wanted to eat, and most of the time it was “I’m not hungry, but thank you.” I couldn’t stand the feeling of someone spending their money on me. I always felt bad.

Life kept going, and I feel like I was a pretty normal kid, except for always being lost in my imagination and exercising my use of creativity. My relationship with my Mom was ok, but I never did look too fondly on my father. We didn’t have a relationship- many reasons Im sure I will get into later through this blog. Being raised in a religious home, my parents made themselves authority figures in the house making it difficult to have conversations with them. I knew I was loved, but neither of my parents were very emotionally present… something I desperately needed as an HSP.

Once puberty started to hit, was when I realized that I was definitely different from the other boys at my Christian School. I was gay, hadn’t come to terms with it, and wouldn’t come out until I was 27. I attended the same christian school from kindergarten through 12th grade. I had church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wed night, and Thursday morning chapel. My whole life I had been taught that homosexuality was one of the worst sins, that it was an abomination to god and that I would go to hell for it. It taught me to hate myself.

With all of this going on in my head, I withdrew further from my family. I felt that I couldn’t talk to my parents about it for fear that they would kick me out of the house and shun me. I saw no other choice but to internalize all of these feelings and questions I had.

This was something I taught myself at an early age, to always withdraw inward. It is how I coped with the stress and confusion regarding my sister’s birth, how I handled puberty, sex and being gay. I have always been afraid of being vulnerable because vulnerability meant allowing someone to see me exposed.

I said all of this, to try and help you understand WHY I have an issue with vulnerability and that It has been something that has been manifesting itself my entire life. I am still struggling with a lot of these same issues, but understanding myself has helped me cope and even grow from my past.

This consistent lack of vulnerability has shaped my outlook on life. I have lived in my fear of uncertainty and low self worth. I daily self sabotage myself, making me depressed and angry at life. Slowly, my whole life, I have turned into the douchebag that I hated growing up. Shrouded in toxic masculinity- constantly trying to prove to everyone that I’m worthy. I’m not here to put myself on a pedestal, but rather step down from it. To let go of my hurt and bitterness of my past.

We all have one. We all have hurt, trauma, bitterness and questions left unanswered. Confessions of a Suburban Douchebag, for me, is the release of these negative things. It’s a chance for me to take action on this new path of self discovery by journaling publicly the thoughts that go through my mind, the questions I ask myself, and the things I’m learning. To grow, we must face our fears, and mine is being vulnerable. So first, let me confess. Then watch me grow.

Xoxo Ry Ryteous Dominietzsche Repasky

WHO AM I?

Well, this is a difficult question to answer. Being as complex as we are, makes it difficult to give a true definition of ourselves. When asked this question, I feel most would use descriptions such as likes and dislikes, hobbies, relationship status, and career. But honestly, that list could go on forever too.

I have found that having a better understanding of my personality gives me a clearer picture of who I am, how I might react, and my strengths and weaknesses. It explains what motivates me and has even given me health advice- both mental, spiritual and physically.

My zodiac sign was what I first looked into, but honestly opened other doors for me to explore, all regarding myself. I kept my mind open and literally googled and youtubed everything! It’s how I found out about my depression, and how I was more ‘sensitive’ than the people around me. Keep what you believe, disregard what doesn’t feel right and ALWAYS be willing to challenge what you believe in.

It’s a process.

So… along with my Zodiac sign, here are a few other ways that help paint the picture of what kind of person I am. Particularly, the Myers Briggs Personality test has been the most eye-opening for me. It’s free to take and doesn’t take long. Once I received my personality type, I googled and started youtubing it for more specific information.

Cancer- Yes, I’m a cancer…Emotional, caring, loyal, empathetic, highly imaginative and creative with a rich inner world. I should also mention the intense moodiness paired with egotistical and emotional responses. My bad.

INFP (Mediator) Personality Type- Derived from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. 16personalities.com describes the INFP type as, “someone who possesses the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Prospecting personality traits. These rare personality types tend to be quiet, open-minded, and imaginative, and they apply a caring and creative approach to everything they do.”

Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)- Also called Sensory Processing Sensitivity, Wikipedia describes this trait as, “a temperamental or personality trait involving “an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli”.

Empath- An Empath is someone who uses empathy more than the average person. This use allows me to understand others on a deeper emotional level. I believe myself to be an Empath due to my High Sensitivity, however, it’s not like this for everyone.

Understanding these have been key to my ego undoing (which I am still very much working on). I didn’t start my journey of self discovery until I found myself in the thick of a 4 year depression induced by stress, anxiety and feelings of being hopeless and lost. I’ll talk about what landed me into depression in a later post.

Being diagnosed back in 2018 helped me realize that there were reasons for my behaviors. Before this realization, I figured that I was destined to be miserable, completely identified with my feelings of insecurity, self-sabotage, loneliness, and fear.

I did have a brief time of acceptance with my diagnosis, which led me to researching depression and anxiety for myself. What happened next, unfortunately, was my mind becoming completely identified with my diagnosis. I felt as if depression and anxiety WAS what ‘defined’ me. I know this, because I had started journaling my thoughts and it wasn’t until I looked back on my writings, about a year later, that I could see this.

Around this time, I also slowly started researching topics of spirituality, philosophy and psychology- searching desperately for answers myself. I started to discover that the mind has remarkable capabilities, most of which are still unknown to us. In my gut, I felt, and still feel, that I could cure myself if I change my thought patterns. I felt that meds just masked the pain, but if I could travel deep into my own mind, I could figure out WHY I was depressed and anxious. It was, and is, my personal mission.

Things never got easy after this realization though, they actually got worse. But the words of Nietzsche constantly rang in my mind, “You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” This gave me hope. It also turned me into a bit of a pyromaniac when it came to dismantling myself.

I think my biggest realization so far is that I have been completely controlled by my ego. It has made me believe that I am a person who I am not. It has controlled my actions and emotions through fear and insecurities. It has turned a bright-eyed boy into a jerk, a dick and a douchebag and a depressing asshole. It has cut off friendships and relationships, and has taken many of my passions away. But most of all, it has made me tired of life.

Growing up, boys are told to be tough, to man-up, grow some balls, and don’t be a sissy. This suppression of feeling and emotion is what I believe has opened the door for my ego to step in and take complete control. I have learned a lot over the past couple years, eye-opening realizations concerning myself, others and life in general. I am nowhere near where I would like to be spiritually or psychologically, but I am pushing forward, seeking truth and understanding for myself, and for others.

The purpose of this blog is to show you my process of facing ego, dismantling it, and overcoming my douchebaggery. It makes me accountable for my journey of higher consciousness and spirituality. And lastly, it’s a roadmap for me and you. So I can always see where I came from, and to inspire YOU, to start the journey for yourself, or to keep going.

Raising your consciousness is no easy task- you have to have balls to face the darkest parts of yourself, and it takes even bigger balls to attempt to change those toxic life patterns. But if we choose to remain open to learning, growing and loving, we can change our lives and ultimately the world.

My name is Ry Ryteous Dominietzsche Repasky, and this is my soul.