Tag Archives: deepak chopra

The Moment my Mood Took Over

Happy Monday! I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and one topic that has been top of mind is improving this blog by actually pointing out my douchey traits and how I can learn from them. After all, the point of me even writing, IS to expose these qualities in myself that need changed, not glamorize them. 

So let’s start with an instance from this past week… It was my last day of work before a 5 day leave from the office. I was so excited for my break from work, but I also knew I had a lot to get done before I left. The old me would have half assed the day and said, “oh well”, “pay me more”, or, “not my problem.” However, I’m trying to be different, so even though I may not enjoy my job, I still wanted to try and do my personal best. So I knew I had to kick it into gear!  

My day started at 8:40am with a conference call lasting until about 12pm. I then had about 2 hours to gather training materials for three different new hires and started on training plans for each of them. At 2pm I had to teach a new hire orientation, which lasted until about 4:30 where I got pulled by my supervisor to handle some markdowns from my department that didn’t get completed. I then spent the next hour and a half taking care of all markdowns. At this point, I had to cancel my dinner plans, and I told myself that I would be there until close. I was proud of myself because I kept my attitude at bay, and tried to stay positive throughout each new hurdle.  

Fast forward to 8:15pm and I’m finally walking out of work and headed home. When I entered the house, I entered with an attitude. I was nit-picking my partner and projecting the shame i felt about not keeping my kitchen clean, onto him. I was negative and sarcastic at his expense and finally he had had enough! We then began to fight, and it wasn’t until we separated ways where I was able to rethink the situation. 

I realized that I had allowed my ego to slip in and take control and it almost ruined my night. I realize now that once I got home my frustrations throughout the day started spilling over. To be honest, I also realized that I often dump my daily frustrations onto my partner, and I can’t blame him for being tired of it. Not only was I dumping my problems onto him, but I was also attacking him for not doing the dishes or putting a new bag in the trash can. I would have shut down and walked away from me too. 

Once I realized how I had been acting, I had a decision to make. I could either continue my night with this attitude or I could apologize and turn the night around. Apologizing is hard, especially when your image is at stake. Thankfully I made the right decision and owned up to my wrongdoings.

My text read: 

“My regrets today:

I’m sorry for being hostile as soon as I got home.

For being negative at your expense. Definitely sorry for that. 

For projecting onto you the shame that I feel about not cleaning up after myself. 

I’m sorry for not asking about your day. Or your thoughts.

Sometimes I’m not sure how to approach you, and I guess I make a lot of wrong decisions.

But I am sorry, and I’ll change my energy.”

It’s crazy how closely you have to pay attention to yourself to change habits. It’s so important! You can either make bad patterns stronger or create new ones. Now that I realize this, I want changing my habits to be one of my focuses for this next year. Once they suit me and my desires, manifestation can begin!

P.S. Be kind to your partners in life. Someone that sticks by your side through all your bullshit is someone worth investing in. So invest in making yourself a better person, for you and for them! 

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Love and Let Go

I entered my first serious relationship 6 years ago, and it has been one of the most life changing events in my life. It has forced me to look at myself in a different light, and a different perspective- often against my will. 

You see, I really thought I knew what love was about without ever having any experience in the subject. I learned ‘how to love’ from music, movies and society. But what I didn’t take into consideration was that love and a relationship is two individuals coming together, each with their own ideas of love and life. 

Being the controlling asshole I am, I tried for years to make my partner and I’s love fit into a preconceived mold- a mold created and maintained by me. I fear being left alone so much that I would, and still do, cling and control my relationship. Ironically though, the tighter my grip became, the worse the relationship became. 

 As the relationship started to crumble apart this past summer, I was desperate for internal peace, and to know what love actually is. I had realized that the love that I was giving wasn’t actually love- and I wanted to fix this about myself. I picked up a book called, “The Path to Love,” by Deepak Chopra and finished the book rather quickly. This book was revolutionary for me, and is a book that I will read over multiple times. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this book was that love IS letting go- something that doesn’t come easily for me since I have a bad habit of harbouring feelings and emotions. 

As I was reading the book I recalled a time when I was lighting some incense. As I pulled the flame up the tip of the incense stick, I noticed that my hand holding the incense was shaking- so much so that I couldn’t get it to light. After a few seconds I realized that I was pinching the incense with my two fingers rather tightly- as to not drop the stick. I thought to myself, “Why the hell am I gripping this so hard!?” So I loosened my grip, and the shaking instantly stopped. I knew and understood the concept of ‘letting go’ but this instance helped me realize HOW to let go. A simple act of relaxation and surrender. 

I am now attempting to take what I have learned and apply it to my relationship. Letting go has given me a type of release and relaxation that is guilt and judgement free. All it takes is a deep breath and mentally changing my outlook. Letting go for me means releasing my need to control and manipulate a situation and to accept it for what it is, which also helps me to stay present and in the now. It is helping me to love better, and be more secure in myself. 

I have a lot of learning to do, and I am blessed to be with someone who pursues growth and understanding with a similar fervor as I do. Neither of us know what we are doing, but we are open to learning and discovering. And without my relationship with him, I may have never understood this about myself. 

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