Happy Monday! I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and one topic that has been top of mind is improving this blog by actually pointing out my douchey traits and how I can learn from them. After all, the point of me even writing, IS to expose these qualities in myself that need changed, not glamorize them. 

So let’s start with an instance from this past week… It was my last day of work before a 5 day leave from the office. I was so excited for my break from work, but I also knew I had a lot to get done before I left. The old me would have half assed the day and said, “oh well”, “pay me more”, or, “not my problem.” However, I’m trying to be different, so even though I may not enjoy my job, I still wanted to try and do my personal best. So I knew I had to kick it into gear!  

My day started at 8:40am with a conference call lasting until about 12pm. I then had about 2 hours to gather training materials for three different new hires and started on training plans for each of them. At 2pm I had to teach a new hire orientation, which lasted until about 4:30 where I got pulled by my supervisor to handle some markdowns from my department that didn’t get completed. I then spent the next hour and a half taking care of all markdowns. At this point, I had to cancel my dinner plans, and I told myself that I would be there until close. I was proud of myself because I kept my attitude at bay, and tried to stay positive throughout each new hurdle.  

Fast forward to 8:15pm and I’m finally walking out of work and headed home. When I entered the house, I entered with an attitude. I was nit-picking my partner and projecting the shame i felt about not keeping my kitchen clean, onto him. I was negative and sarcastic at his expense and finally he had had enough! We then began to fight, and it wasn’t until we separated ways where I was able to rethink the situation. 

I realized that I had allowed my ego to slip in and take control and it almost ruined my night. I realize now that once I got home my frustrations throughout the day started spilling over. To be honest, I also realized that I often dump my daily frustrations onto my partner, and I can’t blame him for being tired of it. Not only was I dumping my problems onto him, but I was also attacking him for not doing the dishes or putting a new bag in the trash can. I would have shut down and walked away from me too. 

Once I realized how I had been acting, I had a decision to make. I could either continue my night with this attitude or I could apologize and turn the night around. Apologizing is hard, especially when your image is at stake. Thankfully I made the right decision and owned up to my wrongdoings.

My text read: 

“My regrets today:

I’m sorry for being hostile as soon as I got home.

For being negative at your expense. Definitely sorry for that. 

For projecting onto you the shame that I feel about not cleaning up after myself. 

I’m sorry for not asking about your day. Or your thoughts.

Sometimes I’m not sure how to approach you, and I guess I make a lot of wrong decisions.

But I am sorry, and I’ll change my energy.”

It’s crazy how closely you have to pay attention to yourself to change habits. It’s so important! You can either make bad patterns stronger or create new ones. Now that I realize this, I want changing my habits to be one of my focuses for this next year. Once they suit me and my desires, manifestation can begin!

P.S. Be kind to your partners in life. Someone that sticks by your side through all your bullshit is someone worth investing in. So invest in making yourself a better person, for you and for them!