Tag Archives: emotional maturity

Mom,

“I never did give you the chance to comfort me.

I was too scared of my own vulnerability. 

It kept me from allowing me to be me,

And it kept you in place, no new sights to see. 

It kept us from growing, progressing and striving…

To be the best we could be and that’s my fault, and honestly…

I guess what I’m sayin is that I fucked up, I failed…

To be true to myself and what I hold dear. 

To watch out for you, to be better to you…

and to be a light on a path when one isn’t clear. 

To be strength in ways that I don’t understand,

and to always be there, when you need a hand.

Sometimes I feel bitter, of what could have been. 

I shouldn’t have stayed silent- I should have acted.

Opened my big mouth and made it happen! 

I could have changed our reality- 

Broke us free from our chains and our captivity. 

So… 

I’m sorry Mom, I truly am. 

That I didn’t see clearly…that I never took a stand. 

But I want you to know that I’m trying to be better,

And I know that its hard to tell, by my mean demeanour, 

But in my soul and my spirit, I love you and I mean it. 

Im not the best at speaking or showing my emotions, 

So I wrote you this poem so that you could read my devotion.

My love for you… deeper than the ocean.

My love for you… please don’t question.” 

**This piece isn’t perfect by any means, but it’s honest, and I think that should count for something.

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The Moment my Mood Took Over

Happy Monday! I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and one topic that has been top of mind is improving this blog by actually pointing out my douchey traits and how I can learn from them. After all, the point of me even writing, IS to expose these qualities in myself that need changed, not glamorize them. 

So let’s start with an instance from this past week… It was my last day of work before a 5 day leave from the office. I was so excited for my break from work, but I also knew I had a lot to get done before I left. The old me would have half assed the day and said, “oh well”, “pay me more”, or, “not my problem.” However, I’m trying to be different, so even though I may not enjoy my job, I still wanted to try and do my personal best. So I knew I had to kick it into gear!  

My day started at 8:40am with a conference call lasting until about 12pm. I then had about 2 hours to gather training materials for three different new hires and started on training plans for each of them. At 2pm I had to teach a new hire orientation, which lasted until about 4:30 where I got pulled by my supervisor to handle some markdowns from my department that didn’t get completed. I then spent the next hour and a half taking care of all markdowns. At this point, I had to cancel my dinner plans, and I told myself that I would be there until close. I was proud of myself because I kept my attitude at bay, and tried to stay positive throughout each new hurdle.  

Fast forward to 8:15pm and I’m finally walking out of work and headed home. When I entered the house, I entered with an attitude. I was nit-picking my partner and projecting the shame i felt about not keeping my kitchen clean, onto him. I was negative and sarcastic at his expense and finally he had had enough! We then began to fight, and it wasn’t until we separated ways where I was able to rethink the situation. 

I realized that I had allowed my ego to slip in and take control and it almost ruined my night. I realize now that once I got home my frustrations throughout the day started spilling over. To be honest, I also realized that I often dump my daily frustrations onto my partner, and I can’t blame him for being tired of it. Not only was I dumping my problems onto him, but I was also attacking him for not doing the dishes or putting a new bag in the trash can. I would have shut down and walked away from me too. 

Once I realized how I had been acting, I had a decision to make. I could either continue my night with this attitude or I could apologize and turn the night around. Apologizing is hard, especially when your image is at stake. Thankfully I made the right decision and owned up to my wrongdoings.

My text read: 

“My regrets today:

I’m sorry for being hostile as soon as I got home.

For being negative at your expense. Definitely sorry for that. 

For projecting onto you the shame that I feel about not cleaning up after myself. 

I’m sorry for not asking about your day. Or your thoughts.

Sometimes I’m not sure how to approach you, and I guess I make a lot of wrong decisions.

But I am sorry, and I’ll change my energy.”

It’s crazy how closely you have to pay attention to yourself to change habits. It’s so important! You can either make bad patterns stronger or create new ones. Now that I realize this, I want changing my habits to be one of my focuses for this next year. Once they suit me and my desires, manifestation can begin!

P.S. Be kind to your partners in life. Someone that sticks by your side through all your bullshit is someone worth investing in. So invest in making yourself a better person, for you and for them! 

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An Uphill Battle

“I sit by myself after being a liar. After fixing myself, I’m always too tired. Turn my back on it all cause I need to fly higher. With my ego at bay, no wrong things I acquire.

I can’t help it, Can’t deny it, Oh my soul it hurts, I’m cryin

I wanna feel whole, but this world is so tryin An uphilll battle, but I’m fightin, I’m climbin. Got dirt on my knees, and in the clouds there’s lightnin, Snakes in the grass, my ankles their bitin.

One wrong step and I’m done, I’m a goner But when I reach the summit, rough winds grow calmer. I made it to a cliff, and I can finally see water, So I jump off the edge and regain my honor. “

I have found that writing poems when I am emotionally distressed helps me to better understand the ‘why’ behind the emotions I’m feeling. I often lie to myself about my own truth… something I despise in myself. Because of this, I and am always trying to self examine myself to make sure certain behaviors aren’t hidden from me.

Confronting yourself is hard work and takes a lot of mental energy. But for me, it’s worth it. I’m someone that always wants to be moving in a positive and forward direction. I want to understand myself better, I want to push myself and I want to expand my knowledge. This often feels like turning my back on the people and the things I love, but it’s often a sacrifice Im willing to make with the hope of progressing intellectually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually

The path to enlightenment and consciousness is not an easy path to follow. The journey is often filled with great obstacles and hard work… both of which can be defeating and often makes me feel as if there is no hope of ever being where I would like to be as a person. But consistency is key, and pressing on is my only hope and my only option.

My hope is that one day my path will become easier to walk, that the trees will thin out the higher I climb. That I will be able to feel the wind again and that the sights I see on the summit will humble me to submission. My hope is that one day the climb will be worth it and that I will fully submit to my mere existence. At that point, I will take the leap and fly once again.

Nothing but Love, Ry Ryteous Dominietzsche Repasky

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