I entered my first serious relationship 6 years ago, and it has been one of the most life changing events in my life. It has forced me to look at myself in a different light, and a different perspective- often against my will. 

You see, I really thought I knew what love was about without ever having any experience in the subject. I learned ‘how to love’ from music, movies and society. But what I didn’t take into consideration was that love and a relationship is two individuals coming together, each with their own ideas of love and life. 

Being the controlling asshole I am, I tried for years to make my partner and I’s love fit into a preconceived mold- a mold created and maintained by me. I fear being left alone so much that I would, and still do, cling and control my relationship. Ironically though, the tighter my grip became, the worse the relationship became. 

 As the relationship started to crumble apart this past summer, I was desperate for internal peace, and to know what love actually is. I had realized that the love that I was giving wasn’t actually love- and I wanted to fix this about myself. I picked up a book called, “The Path to Love,” by Deepak Chopra and finished the book rather quickly. This book was revolutionary for me, and is a book that I will read over multiple times. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this book was that love IS letting go- something that doesn’t come easily for me since I have a bad habit of harbouring feelings and emotions. 

As I was reading the book I recalled a time when I was lighting some incense. As I pulled the flame up the tip of the incense stick, I noticed that my hand holding the incense was shaking- so much so that I couldn’t get it to light. After a few seconds I realized that I was pinching the incense with my two fingers rather tightly- as to not drop the stick. I thought to myself, “Why the hell am I gripping this so hard!?” So I loosened my grip, and the shaking instantly stopped. I knew and understood the concept of ‘letting go’ but this instance helped me realize HOW to let go. A simple act of relaxation and surrender. 

I am now attempting to take what I have learned and apply it to my relationship. Letting go has given me a type of release and relaxation that is guilt and judgement free. All it takes is a deep breath and mentally changing my outlook. Letting go for me means releasing my need to control and manipulate a situation and to accept it for what it is, which also helps me to stay present and in the now. It is helping me to love better, and be more secure in myself. 

I have a lot of learning to do, and I am blessed to be with someone who pursues growth and understanding with a similar fervor as I do. Neither of us know what we are doing, but we are open to learning and discovering. And without my relationship with him, I may have never understood this about myself.